New Moon

Sister Golden Hair - an open letter to my dear babies....

Honey,

I am sorry for all that has happened in the last few days. I am sorry you were so upset that you needed to sleep with your sister. I am sorry you had to see the police officer. I am sorry you both are scared and unhappy and confused as to why things have changed between your father and I in the last year.

Please know that I love you. I decided not to call the police today because I saw how scared it made you last night. I still promise you, as I always have that I will fix this so we can be together in the same way we have been for the last 2 years.

I love you. I love emma. Please hug her for me and tell her we will plan a movie night again once the court allows us to do it.

Samee wants you to know that she is worried about you and that she loves you very much. So does Lindy. So of course, do I.

Sleep well. I hope your tooth isn't painful tonight. You dont have your meds for it. Please ask your dad or dana for a cold cloth for your jaw... you dont have your irrigator so please swish hard around your tooth. You do not want it to get infected....

My sweet baby girls:

"Well, I keep on thinkin' 'bout you, Sister Golden Hair surprise
And I just can't live without you; can't you see it in my eyes?
I've been one poor correspondent, and I've been too, too hard to find
But it doesn't mean you ain't been on my mind "

i love you more than cheese my sweet girls.

*everyday I comb their hair I sing this song to them

How to Reconstruct a Mother's Heart

My girls are going to stay with me all week. Unfortunately, it comes as a result of their grandmother's broken hip. Their father is leaving for a week to be with her. I feel bad but I am doing such a spiritual happy dance I can't stop myself. I think God knows where my intentions lie.

Saturday night I got to listen to them giggling all night long as they watched a movie on the big screen. I feigned frustration about their rowdiness and smiled all the way back into my bedroom.

Sunday I took 4 giggling little girls to church. Two of mine and a friend of each. They went to Sunday school while I drank coffee. Then we all sat in the back row of the church and played air guitar and drums to the hiney kicken worship band. I forced them to clean their rooms. The rooms are beautiful and not once did they even mind. We were just have some fun being together.

I cooked dinner. We laughed and talked and they even cleaned up after themselves without a fight. I sent them off for one more free weekend hour and then back they came. Baths and the making of a fresh clean warm bed. A bed they haven't slept in since Sept. they each read to me as I just layed there thanking God for the gift I had been given. Emma read me Ms. Piggle Wiggle, Hannah, Little Woman. I tucked them in, ran my fingers through their hair. I can't believe how beautiful these babies are.

Tomorrow morning we break fast, dress in their new clothes they have never been allowed to wear and I am making them lunch. Such simple things and I am giddy.

I will treasure everyday. I will treasure homework, driving back and forth. Stories from school that go on forever. Cranky mornings. Sibling fighting. I will praise God for my 7 days of heaven.

Dance is Prayerful, Joyful and Sometimes Men Do It Without Hats...

"From the oldest of times, people danced for a number of reasons. They danced in prayer... or so that their crops would be plentiful... or so their hunt would be good. And they danced to stay physically fit... and show their community spirit. And they danced to celebrate." And that is the dancing we're talking about. Aren't we told in Psalm 149 "Praise ye the Lord. Sing unto the Lord a new song. Let them praise His name in the dance"? And it was King David - King David, who we read about in Samuel - and what did David do? What did David do?

[paging frantically through Bible]

What *did* David do?

[audience laughs]

"David danced before the Lord with all his might... leaping and dancing before the Lord."

[smacks table in front of Reverend Moore]

*Leaping* and *dancing*

[stands up straight]

Ecclesiastes assures us... that there is a time for every purpose under heaven. A time to laugh... and a time to weep. A time to mourn... and there is a time to dance. And there was a time for this law, but not anymore. See, this is our time to dance. It is our way of celebrating life. It's the way it was in the beginning. It's the way it's always been. It's the way it should be now...

Lets Revisit My Vagina... Shall We?

I wrote this two years ago (hard to believe it was that long ago) at my first exposure to the Vagina Monologues.

It is an over all view of my vagina... like a summary. My vagina today has more subtle things to say.

My vagina thanks me everyday that I have and will continue to keep it away from pretense. It has told me that alone is better than anything that is in anyway disrespectful or unkind. Not just to itself but to the rest of my body, mind and psyche as well. My vagina has become like a protective mother bear.

That is not to say that it doesn't have a mind of its own. It makes itself known on certain occasions when those hawt butches walk in the room. And although I am a lesbian it still gets all a flutter at Johnny Depp in his pirate costume. Go figure.

My vagina has become patient and discerning. My vagina no longer leads me around. It just comes with me on the off chance it might get included in something. But it never gets mad when it finds itself home alone in footie pajamas on a Saturday night. (well "mad" is subjective I suppose)

My vagina is just happy being my vagina. Does it have flights of fancy? Yep. Don't we all? But it waits patiently because my vagina knows now that the wait to be authentic is like really good foreplay. It's not in a hurry to slide into home base. It wants to enjoy first base, second base, third base... it will happen. It has its preferences, I won't deny that. But its also open minded to the kind, compassionate, careful, passionate, slow moving, honest, woman who isn't interested in whirlwinds that leave you spinning and alone.

Back in Time

It is becoming very odd. For weeks I wake in the morning thinking that I am back home in my parents house and I am a young girl again. Once I even heard the mumbling from conversation between my dad and mom in the kitchen complete with the clinking of the spoons against their coffee mugs. I lay groggily awake and wait to hear my mother puttering around. Then slowly, the realization that I am not a young girl but almost 50. I am in my own home. I am alone. My life is in chaos. And I feel powerless, unprepared, unsure or perhaps just too tired to do anything about it.

Remember the scene in Back to the Future when Micheal J Fox watches helplessly as his picture begins fading from the family photos? THAT is how I feel. I don't think one day I will just be gone and everyone will wonder where I went and start looking for me but that I will dissolve into nothingness and no one will even remember I existed. Not my children, not my family, not anyone. Whats worse is that I have a suspicion that I will be held, invisible, not unlike Scrooge, to watch life going on without me.

Very odd. Very unsettling. Very uncomfortable. Very scary.

'Tis the Season

Happy Shrovetide

The Red Shoe Diaries

...okay so I have owned one pair of red heels forever. They turned from that beautiful blue-red to an orangy red. Anyone who knows their red, knows what I mean. Sometime in between the last time I wore them, in the mid 90's, (with my polka dot red dress) and the day I put the ensemble on for fun, a few months ago, to see if my 50 year old ass could fit into that 20 yr old dress, I realized my ass has shifted in the last 20 years, two babies and the obvious lack of interest in exercising. However, the once-was, ruby slippers still fit. I will only keep the dress because my eldest daughter, Nicole, asked me to, she loves it. I don't blame her. I have the same thing going on with a dress of my mother's, a gold thread woven dress that she wore at her peak, complete with a matching purse, a make-up mirror and a dime. The dime was in case she needed to call for help if a man was inappropriate with her and she needed her virtuous reputation rescued. Times were different then. I used to carry a quarter. I had to use it once. Kudos for mom. Now girls just have a cell phone of their own.


I have been stressed to the max for the last few months. I decided that I needed something to make me feel better. Red, my favorite color, makes me happy. I found a new red dress on clearance just in time for Valentine's Day. I brought it home and brought out the red shoes... they have become too orangy to match the dress. So I went on a quest for the perfect blue-red shoe. Red isn't an easy color to match. I think I drove the sales lady crazy. But seriously, when she tried to convince me that a purple-red would match my blue-red dress she drove ME crazy.

I didn't give up. I was on a mission. I found a pair at Dillard's on sale at a ridiculous price. I am in blue-red heaven and ready for Valentine's Day. I will go to church and then spend dinner with some church family, all in my blue-red nirvana.

Happy Valentine's Day.

The Kiss, The Tease, The Dance

The Kiss

She kissed me,
white heat and velvet,
pulling back just enough to feel the energy between us and the quiver in my lips.

I thought I would die before she returned her mouth to mine,
this time with more force,
tasting the wine on her lips and the whiskey on mine.

My hand in her hair,
her breath spilling across my face
Living an entire lifetime in one single kiss.


The Tease

She grabbed my shoulders, pushing me away,
I resisted, trying to return,
her grip on my shoulders increased, fingers pressed hard into me.
The sensation made me focus, made me look at her
She was heady knowing the control was hers,
I watched as just a hint of pleasure played across her face.
She tightened her grip again, my breathing became guttural, my knees betrayed me,
From below I looked up at her, she loosened her grip just enough to reassure, knelt to meet me and allowed me closer again.

The Dance

Tumbling, tangled, entwind,
their bodies fall softly into unmarked sand.
Finding herself in their rhythm,
rhythm that had always been inside her.
Rhythm that kept time with their impatient breathing
and their breaking hearts.

Have a Wonderful Day and Expect Miracles...