It's a Bird, It's a Plane!

It's two dykes on a kiddie ride!



that's it... I have nothing more to say today. Carry on...

Where Were You?

Growing up I remember people asking this when referring to Pearl Harbor or Kennedy. My first big "where were you" I thought was 9/11. Maybe the Shuttle explosion...the first one. But thinking back I can recall "WWY" when Elvis died. I was putting makeup on in the bathroom of my parents home. I can see the entire bathroom right down to the radio color and style. I opened the door and breathlessly ran to my dad. I knew he "knew" him. I had heard stories of his influence in my father's generation. My dad looked like elvis as a young man. But I didn't really see my father as a person until he walked into earshot of that radio broadcast, until I saw real grief come across his face. I was taken aback. I saw a kid losing an idol. I only thought we kids had music idols. He broke down and cried... in front of me. I remember, he turned in his white t-shirt and walked down the hall sobbing. I stood there for a moment feeling as if I saw my dad as a kid or perhaps a ghost or a UFO.

So tonight I heard "where were you" when Diana died? Well I will tell you. I was at a play with my dad and his wife and friends. In a beautiful outdoor theater in the mountains. I had just suffered a divorce and the death of my mother. I came home late, happy and warm. I turned on the tv to watch SNL. Below the show was a crawl saying something....Diana is injured in car accident in France....Authorities are reporting that her driver and boyfriend Dodi Fayed have died from injuries on the scene....This just in....reporters saying witnesses reporting now Diana is dead......Reports from Paris officials are citing that after heroic measures Princess Diana has indeed died from injuries suffered in a car accident......I sat waiting for a punchline....no punch line....just more crawls....which then turned into 24 hour reporting of this horrible thing. She was beautiful. I loved her. I secretly used to think I knew how she smelled. I did love her. I didn't even know I loved her. She was such a beautiful women. Such a beautiful mother. I remember a few days later I had my tv on a timer as I fell asleep, in the fog of "almost asleep" I heard "When You Wish Upon a Star" and I turned to the tv. There was Diana and her boys twirling around in a tea cup at Disneyland, happy, carefree.... and I cried... I cried for her, I cried for those boys and I cried for me... I cried all night and most of the next day.

Strangely enough, a few months later John Denver plunged into the ocean. I loved him too. He will always remind me of the smell of pine trees and campfires and a school day boyfriend named Kevin. I miss him too, John I mean. I don't know why but I cried almost as hard when he left us.

Where were you?

Depression Daze...

While surfing the depression circuits today I ran into this:

New Studies Suggest Higher Level of Pathology

One important and carefully conducted study found suicide attempts among homosexuals were six times greater than the average (Remafedi et al. 1998).

Most of us homos today know that it was only a few short decades ago when they purged homosexuality as a mental illness. The above is part of a gay twin study about depression and suicide. Seeking to prove that homosexuals were less mentally healthy than hets.

Upon reading this I immediately thought "Well, DUH!" Who else would know the full tragic psychological and physical pain of seeing capri's paired with fuzzy high heels, crocheted beer hats, people wearing white after Labor day or this fluffy femme wearing a leather jacket? (that last ones for you mainer, I personally think I look hot).

We are more sensitive. We are more in tune with our surroundings. Have you taken a good look at our surroundings? No wonder we fight so hard to stay happy. No wonder we sing show tunes.

Nina Starts New Meds, Senator Larry Craig Still Not Gay

My journey from unhappy housefrau with the slumbering sexuality to now hasn't been one without excruciating growing pains. Excruciating for everyone, I realize that. Though it was and is still my journey. I have suffered paralyzing depression and then the onset of fibromyalgia which I am just beginning to treat. I began drinking too much. I even smoked some pot for the first time in 25 years in desperate attempt of quelling the pain and the fear of the changes I was making to my family's landscape. Not a journey of forward motion. More one of two steps forward, one, two, three steps back.

I took a slide backward recently. Hard to understand I suppose with the fact that I report often about how in love I am. How glad I am to be a lesbian. But its just not that simple. I have been haunted recently with the overwhelming feeling that I am unable to live my life. Just the thought of getting up in the morning and getting my kids to school has been overwhelming. I begin to fret about having to cook dinner before I have breakfast on the table. Just yesterday I wanted to run away, to hell with what anyone thought. I would just make a few calls to secure my children with their fathers and *poof* I would be gone. I could embrace the judgement which would befall me. "She's a lesbian. She wasn't mentally able to handle her sexuality and her responsibilities." "Poor thing had a mental break after falling in love with a woman." and followed by the mumblings of those who will buy into the idea of homosexuality as an illness and a depravity. Those who will be thankful that I "spared" my children further abuse by removing myself from the situation.

But Larry made me mad. Larry made me incredulous. I would like to slap Larry across the face. I would like to take Larry to my therapist. I would stand behind Larry while he just told the truth. I cannot bear to see another person fall from grace and have homosexuality be the crux of the fall. ITS NOT THE CRUX!!! The crux is the TRUTH. Or lack there of. Will anyone but me see that?

Republicans are tossing Larry off like an old coat. Democrats are so far remaining silent. One of the smartest things I have seen the Dems do in a long time. Someone on Hannity made the comment about not being conservative and a homo at the same time. I laughed. Yes folks, not only am I a severely depressed lesbian but I consider myself a conservative too. Of course there are homos who do not buy into the liberal platform. I just wished those who are would do so honestly. We will never know if Larry voted down gay marriage, unions etc. because he was scared of his truth or if he could truthfully back up his belief with an argument worthy of a US Senator. Too bad. Too bad for all of us. Personally, I believe gay marriage only reinforces "family values". But that is just me. I still would have enjoyed the debate.

So this morning, in a funk, I dutifully drove my daughter to school and then instead of home to hide inside my despair I went to the clinic. I told them I was in a crux of my own (I didn't involve Larry. They never would have understood) and we decided to change my medication. I start tomorrow. Wish me well. I am determined to live a life of honesty no matter how hard it is. And I wish Larry would choose the same.

Baby's Coming Back...

It`s Alright (baby`s Coming Back)

Eurythmics



It`s Alright (baby`s Coming Back)It's alright - baby's coming back

And I don't really care where she's been.
It's alright - baby's coming back

And I won't turn her around this time
no
no
no.

I'll be - your cliff
you can fall down from me

I'll be - your ledge
you can lean upon me

I'll be - your bridge
your flowering tree

You can still depend on me.
And I'll be - the ticking of your clock

And I'll be - the numbers on your watch

And I'll be - your hands to stop the time

I'll even be your danger sign.

It's alright - baby's coming back
. . .

And I'll be - your grace
your dignity

And I'll be - your night
your destiny

And I'll be - your comfort and your ease

I will be your storm at seas.
And I'll be - your sharp intake of breath

And I'll be - your work
I'll take no rest.
And when the world falls to decline
I'll be yours and you'll be mine.
It's alright - baby's coming back

And I don't really care where she's been.

I'll be - your cliff
you can fall down from me
. ..
It's alright - baby's coming back

And I won't turn her around this time.

It's alright - baby's coming back
. . .
It's alright - baby's coming back
. . .
It`s Alright (baby`s Coming Back)


So she's on her way to see me. We seem unable to be apart for very long. She called me a few days ago and announced she was coming. Luckily she is an editor and takes her work with her wherever she goes.

She is due to arrive at midnight but she has been delayed twice. I hope she doesn't have to sleep in an airport somewhere. This is the time the scope of our 3000 mile separation is felt the hardest.

Speed Dating...

My ex husband is going out tonight to "speed date". That's when you gather with a bunch of other single (hopefully) people and they spend just a few minutes with each person. And then I think at the end of the night you fill out some sort of form saying who you were interested in. Then they pair you up for a second date.

I love my ex husband. He has held himself with great integrity and poise given the circumstances. I want so much for him to find a loving woman to whom he can find comfort and love. I hope those women tonight are good to him. I told him today that he was a good man. I hope he remembers that in case they aren't nice to him. I think he is a catch! He's got a good job, has beautiful children, is a talented guitar player, has morals, a chocolate milk voice and very kind eyes. He also comes with a built in lesbian ex wife! Who could ask for anything more?

Good luck babe!
oxo

Can I Be Frank?

No no, I am not gender bending or anything. I can still be nina and be frank at the same time.

I broke my vibrator.

Now either you are laughing your ass off or fainted, depending on your constitution. You could be tsking at me but I doubt anyone who reads me will be batting an eye. No matter, I'll wait until you have recovered your composure...

now? no?

how about now?

Good.

So let me explain that I didn't actually "break" it. Although it makes me sound like an animal, which I like actually. What I really did was wear it out. Which makes me less animalistic maybe but certainly more consistent. Either way, it met it's demise a few weeks ago. (yes I said weeks!) I thought I would use the opportunity to improve my manual dexterity. However, I have discovered I am a lazy masturbator. I'll spare you the details suffice it to say it involves much whining about tired hands and intense frustration.

So I made a trip to the store. Now unlike many, I don't like anything that resembles male anatomy. So I can buy mine at a regular big box (no pun intended) grocery store. I buy the ones made to *look* like something that could be used to massage tired muscles. I was happy to find the exact model that bit the dust. It plugs in because there is nothing worse than weak batteries. Except maybe running out of tampons or strawberry ice cream... both of those things are pretty bad too.

For most of my life I have had a tenuous relationship with sexual pleasure. Of course, part of it is because I was sleeping with the wrong sex for 30 of those years. But also I was uneducated and unadventurous. For example, I was 25 before I had my first orgasm. Too bad I was alone at the time I had it. I had friends telling me I should buy a vibrator for years. When I finally did it still didn't happen overnight. I enjoyed it of course but didn't know anything about climaxing. I stumbled upon it quite by accident. I had no idea that could happen to my body. I think I spent the next 6 months rushing home from work to experience it again. Unfortunately, I was never able to replicate it with a partner. Of course, I was also too shy to ever ask to bring my vibrator into the activity either. So yes folks, I faked it. I figured that there was just something wrong with me and my responses. I have after all had some major sexual abuse in my life. I figured it was just me.

Now that I sleep with women (woman, promise honey!) I realize that there is absolutely nothing wrong with me at all. I don't need a vibrator to climax though my baby is 3000 miles away which makes intimacy difficult to navigate.

Without further ado... meet my new vibrator.



Isn't the packaging lovely? There is bougainvillea flowers and a woman looking happily at her tired but now happily massaged shoulder. She looks completely satisfied. Hummm... There are also 6 different attachments including a "magnetic muscle attachment" okey dokey. I guess its all supposed to make the buyer feel more "legitimate" about making the purchase along with their milk, butter and eggs. I wonder if anyone would dare have it in their cart if it showed a wild eyed, tangled haired woman looking as if she is about to claw the paint off her walls?

If you care to answer me this, when did you first discover orgasm? Is orgasm a necessary thing to have each time you have sex? Do you have a vibrator? Will you bring it into the bedroom with your lover? Whats your favorite flavor of ice cream?

That last one is there for those who want to participate in the discussion but are too shy to answer the other questions.

take care!

Boy do I miss that woman!

My Lover

When my lover walks in sunlight
her hair shines black as a midnight sky
with flashes of pewter stars that fill my eyes.

When my lover walks in darkness
her eyes glow with the color of a clear blue dawn
and I long to stand within their warmth.

When my lover whispers
a rhythmic and lyrical dance of words
which only my body hears and understands.

When my lover smiles
it reveals her capacity for joy
it’s gravity pulls me and I don’t resist.

When my lover kisses me
the taste of Christmas candy
will never again be as sweet.

When my lover touches me
it is a homecoming, a reunion
of two souls who were never strangers.


~nina~

My Coming Out Story in Pictures...

next I will work on a interpretive dance number.

I interrupt the "Mi Familia" series in order to try to tell you 10 things I like about me...

I really do owe this meme to Blog Antagonist. I have been avoiding it knowing that I really needed to do it. But I have found myself unable to do so. Why? I have been wondering. Is it really just false modesty? If so then I really don't like that part of me. But I don't think so. I really just don't seem to like myself much. I have spent all my life accepting what others thought of me as the truth. Unfortunately for me, most people in my life for many years didn't think much of me. And I always just assumed they knew more about life than I did. So I am going to sit here and try really hard...

1. I believe myself to be witty and I can make people laugh.
2. I am thoughtful and compassionate.
3. I am glad I am a lesbian. That whole area of my life makes sense now and I no longer feel like there is something wrong with me with regard to sex.
4. I like the pictures I take of the world around me.
5. I like my feet.
6. I am a loving and attentive partner.

can #2 and #6 count as 2 things?

9. I am generous.
10. I am good at gardening and landscaping.

Well there it is.... very late BA, sorry. I admit though I bristled through all of it. For each thing I would write I would think of at least one addendum to which I could add "Except for..." and then write an entire paragraph of why I really am not those things. It was really hard to put a period after the positive. How irritating.

Mi Familia pt 2

Nicole

"This is what happens when Nicole is in your care. it will not happen again. lisa"

I got this text message from Nicole's stepmother the first night I was in Maine. Attached to the message was a cell phone picture of my daughter smoking pot. It was taken while she was here visiting me. I was shell shocked for days. Not only did my daughter betray me (I could go on and on about that) but her other parents have chosen the most bizarre way of communicating with me the fact that they will never allow her to come back to me for a visit. Not that I would want her to. I was the one who made the decision to send her away from here in an effort to save her from the spiral she was in. I am devastated. I have lost my little girl. I can't even describe the pain I feel.

My girl was such a stellar student. She excelled in language, she played the violin and later on in middle school she found her running legs and was always at the front of the pack. My daughter has the most talented eye for photography. I took her to the fair one year. We took our cameras and we just walked about shooting what we saw. It was one of my favorite nights with her. She no longer uses her camera. I sent her away and its as if that life has just swallowed her up. Instead of being the one who tried to save her I have become the one to blame for all of her troubles. I was not the best mother but I can't for the life of me see how I could have kept her from the decisions she has made. I don't live in a drug culture. She knows I don't approve. It just didn't/doesn't matter to her. And now the little girl I lived with everyday of my life for 14 years, is gone.

Perhaps in adulthood she will want to reconnect with me. My arms will always be open. I adore her. I miss hugging her. I miss her smell. I miss being her parent.

Mi Familia

This is my family. My children. When my two older kids were little they gave me a mother's necklace with two little charms designating their birthstones. One little boy, one little girl. One diamond, one ruby. I thought I had it all.

Years later I found myself buying 2 more little charms. Both girls, one diamond, one citrine. Again feeling I had reached the pinnacle of motherly satisfaction. Funny how real life slips in and knocks one ass-over-tea-kettle off one's pinnacle. I suppose life wouldn't be so interesting if everything was picture perfect.

Ryan

My son is Straight Edge. He is a firm believer in abstaining from drinking, drug use and sex outside of marriage. (I know, I know, every mother's nightmare.)

He also seems to believe in abstaining from household chores, job seeking and high school graduation. Though, I think those last few things are his personal additions to the youth movement and not standard to the Straight Edge platform.

My son is an underachiever. That's nice talk for "lazy". He always has been. When at 3 he would accidentally put his underwear on backward he found it much too much of a drain on his psyche to stop and turn them around. And so began a life long commitment to taking the easy way out. He has perfected it and its now practically an art form.

This is a picture of him in his band. They had a gig at a place called The Venue. Two years ago another generation of "the band" then calling itself Eyes of Man took 3rd place in a music contest held by the YMCA. I sat pleased as punch watching my beautiful boy take the stage. A real stage, a big stage, the band shell in Julie Davis park. I was moved to tears. He was awesome.

My son is a brilliant audio/visual tech. He has won several years worth of awards for his commercials for school. My son is polite. (to everyone but me) My son is a loving brother. My son is being held back this year because he cannot pass his classes. In order to get him through he must pass all his day classes and attend full time night classes and pass all of them too. He has never passed all his classes ever. I worry this year will be overwhelming for both of us.

I adore my son. He has been by default my first time parenting proving grounds. Poor thing. I have not been the best mother. I have made copious mistakes. It has even been suggested that his failure at school is my fault. Certainly I could have found a way to help him do better. Although, for the life of me I don't know what it would have been. What I do know is whatever I lack in parenting skills I make up for in love. I love him fiercely. Though as he grows older I guess I am less demonstrative. I think I will end this and go hug my son goodnight.

to be continued...

I am back...

I refuse to say I'm "home". Home is where your heart lives. I left mine in a gray house with creaky floors on the coast of Maine.




I left the only mirror I trust in the eyes of this beautiful woman.



I left my soul cuddled in bed next to the monkey lamp.



I had a wonderful time just existing in the same space as she. Her children are wonderful. Her dog likes me. Her housekeeper likes me.

We spoke of a day when I could move there. Perhaps help her open her own publishing house. Foster some children. Make love in the afternoon just because we can. God I wonder how to get back to the day to day here living without her. It is astonishing how quickly I acclimated to her surroundings and how foreign my life here seems to me now.

Hello, I Must Be Going!

I think I am the lone member of the Chicago 5 not to have posted my update about the experience. It certainly isn't for lack of things to say about it. It was like slipping into a warm bath. These women were not strangers whom I had to get used to. These women were my sisters. I find myself missing them and pining for the chance to relive the whole experience over again. From what I understand I am not alone in my feelings. We are already talking about "next time" and hoping we can get many of other women on our board to come. We hope this becomes a yearly tradition.


Toastman made an appearance however we were usually so into the moment we forgot all about the poor man of toast. Here he is at a rare moment posing with brushetta ala Kirdy and the sunflowers that the girls brought me from the farmers market. Come to think of it brushetta is....toast...dear lord toastman is a good sport.



Last time I saw toastman he and Lisbeth were waving furiously at me from the window of the cab. I will wait anxiously to find out what he and Lisbeth will be doing.

I was also very fortunate to meet up with a fellow blogger whom I have known just over a year. She was delightful. Beautiful, funny and a wonderful conversationalist. Deb, I was so please you could join us for dinner hon.


But I have been distracted. I am leaving to visit the love of my life on Sunday. Everytime I sat down to type this out my mind would float off onto the delicious thought of being in her arms in just a few days. I admit. I have a one track mind. I'll be there soon honey.