Happy PRIDE 2009

It’s almost June,
the season of pride and appreciation.
Where the light shines late into the hour
illuminating even the darkest corners
of overgrown and untended gardens.

She has woken, lifting her voice above a whisper,
silence no longer her companion.
She will walk barefoot and dance to
the music which plays inside her;
it beckons her to follow, to reach out
and hold her beloved in the sunshine.

~nina~
'08

another Clavin moment

Hannah the allergy sufferer,

"Mom, my allergies are really bad this morning! achooo achooo! sniff sniff"

Poor baby we have tried everything OTC and finally went to the dr. for samples of prescription stuff to see if we can find something for her. It was like Christmas or a gift bag you get at a birthday party! Astepro, Singular, Nasacort. We started with Astepro but she is so miserable this morning. She brings me our stash. Out pops the Singular.

Me, "Oh, let's try this. Montelukast."

Hannah the reader says, "No, it says Singular."

Me, "Well, *clavin moment* that is its brand name but its chemical name is montelukast. It's a leukotriene receptor blocker."

Hannah the roller of eyes, says, "will it work or not?".

Me, "It might make you a little drowsy, they rather you take it at night. Its a 2nd generation allergy med so they tried to take the sedative properties out of it, but I can't promise anything."

Hannah the exasperated, repeats herself, "Will it work or not?"

"I dunno, lets give it a whirl."

I am holding out on the Nasecort because it is a steroid. I guess if monteluk...singular doesn't work we will try it. I guess I will need to Clavin up on my pharmacy facts for that one.

Solitary in All Things

Depression is a solitary pit that you will find yourself pulling yourself out of. Yes, sometimes there are people throwing you ropes made out of paroxetine, cheerleaders with promises of "betterness" and hand hold spotters for you all the way up. once we emerge, first we lie, prostrate on the ground unsure if we really made it. Then we begin feeling better. Joy sneaks back into our lives. We dance without music, we smile with no provocation but as we glance around we see that we are as alone in our celebration of recovery as we were in that pit.

Where do we put our love ? Our joy? We are brimming with it, so full inside us it hurts. If we could we would scoop some of it out of our hearts and pour it into those around us who need it.

What an unexpected lesson to learn. Your depression has affected everyone and everything around you but now your joy seems invisible or irritating to those who were rooting for you to make it to the top. Joy is deeply solitary.

nina

Through the Key Hole...

It is not a masterpiece by any means but it was so much fun! The one thing the church people could have done was to move the ladder that is standing in the middle of the aisle. But still, I sat there waiting patiently for the sun to come out from a cloud and shine in and across the pews. Totally worthi it!

If you want to see the rest of our Silver City pictures I have them in a folder on FaceBook.

We Don't Want to Take Over the Whole World, Just Your Half!

Come, lets face it. We are creepin' in everywhere. We have taken over triangles, Muppet songs and Teletubbies (well, the purple one) We own rainbows now and have even sneaked into your public schools and stole the " = " sign. October is Gay History Month and regardless of what anyone else wants to say about it, May 22nd belongs to Harvey Milk, period. There is Day Without a Gay. That's the day when all the homophobes scream, "Who needs them anyway!" and then bitches the loudest when he can't get his morning latte' in under 3 minutes and then is pissy at the grocery store on the way home when he finds he needs to bag his own groceries. Suck it up buddy, remember, who needs them? And don't forget, we now own the ENTIRE month of June!

So although it is a bit early, Happy Pride! Perhaps the Haters can take this as a heads up so they won't be surprised and have it sneak up on them!

I Am Blessed to Have Such Wonderful Cyber Friends

So many times they have been there to validate me. Validation for everything. Coming out is full of land mines and surprises and there is no manual or road map. Everytime I have felt frightened, I have been encouraged to breathe, to write and did I mention breathe?

You will find my first essay published here.

I have many people to thank, too many to name for fear of leaving out someone who inspired me, or held my hand, or spoke to me late at night on the phone when I couldn't fall asleep. So THANK YOU ALL.

(geez, i'm acting like Sally Field fer the love of pete, its just one essay)

Don't Fuck With Crazy...

New Mug to Start You or Your Loved One's Morning

Motherhood pt 2

After church on Mother's Day we went to the park and flew kites!


Kite frustration.




Gina's first flight, and she is talking on her cell phone at the same time!

Motherhood Part One

It feels that we spend all our lives teaching our children everything from how to wipe their butts to the value of compassion. Our hair turns gray. Our faces wrinkle in all the typical worry line places. And we pray that our mistakes in parenting have less of an effect on them as those times when you are totally connected and you are holding hands and skipping in a Walmart parking lot.

"Please God, let them remember *this* moment."

Regardless of how much we teach them over the years, it is not much of anything when compared to what they teach of us about ourselves. I have often wondered if THAT is the real purpose of children. We teach them to look both ways, they teach us to look deep inside ourselves.

It has seemed, looking back through my blog that my frustration about my son has been a bigger theme than how much I love him. How much I am in awe of his humor and leadership skills. His talent for video and music production. For his ability to get up on the stage and scream out a song with conviction. I love my son. He has driven me crazy. I have let him down in many ways. He has let me down in many ways. But damn, when he comes to see me and I get to melt into those arms that used to barely make it all the way around my neck, I forget and I pray he forgives, as we find each other in the most basic of ways... through pot roast and light banter about our lives.

So what did this young person teach me? Well, I had never changed a diaper in my life when I found myself alone in my hostpital room knowing full well it was up to me to take care of the ummm... problem. I was so scared. I got all the things I needed for the job. Took a big breath and took off the most disgusting diaper I have ever seen. And then, he peed on me. I had never really considered the possibility that a baby could have such vitality. I stood there soaked in urine. And I began to laugh. Hysterically. He baptisted me into motherhood. He made it clear he was here to teach me how to be a mother. And many time through my life as he would ask to do something that he was too young to do "last year" and he would see me struggle, I would say,

"Ryan, I just don't know what is right because I have never raised a young man before. Please be patient with me."

He tried. And I tried to let go a little at a time. The first time I sent him off to float the Boise river I thought I was going to die. He came back and later I realized that the Boise river, in most spots is only knee deep. Oops, my bad.

Ryan was my practice parenting test pilot... my crash test dummy. I thank him for bearing with me. I know he will be a wonderful new adult asset to the world in whatever he decides he wants to be. Love you son.

Who Do We Resemble?

We tilled and planted the veggie garden last weekend. My daughter snapped this photo of us at the peak of our euphoria. So tell us what you think. Or give us a title for our post modern era.














Choice Number One:
Green Acres






Choice Number Two:
American Gothic

Church of Scotland and LGBT clergy

I write today to alert you to an important situation requiring prayerful support. The Church of Scotland, a sister denomination to the UCC in the World Alliance of Reformed Churches, is facing a pivotal moment in her history. Earlier this year, Queen's Cross Church in the Aberdeen Presbytery, voted to call the Rev. Scott Rennie as their minister. The call was sustained by the church, and by the Presbytery. What makes this call unique is that Scott, as well as being a gifted minister and promising young preacher, is also gay, in a committed relationship, and was open about this during the interview process with Queen’s Cross Church. This was unprecedented in the life of the Church of Scotland, where gay clergy survive in ministry by not being “out.”

Although supported by his church and Presbytery, the reaction of the conservative element in the Church of Scotland was very powerful - so much so that this call to ministry has been challenged and will be brought to the floor of the General Assembly of the Church of Scotland later this month, where this highest court in the church will debate and vote on whether Scott will be allowed to serve as the Minister of Queens Cross Church. They also orchestrated Scott being brought up on disciplinary charges due to his “lifestyle” – which means being an ordained minister who is gay and living in a committed relationship. Their tactics have included intimidation and the publication of lies (which, after the intervention of Scott’s attorney, resulted in a retraction and apology by Forward Together, one of three conservative groups leading the fight to keep Scott for assuming this call and continuing as a Church of Scotland minister). This has been a horrendous ordeal for Scott and his family.

I've included a link to one of many news stories in the BBC that will allow you to read of this situation in greater detail. You can read additional articles by going to either the BBC or This Is North Scotland websites and searching under Rev. Scott Rennie. What these stories do not adequately tell is the level of persecution Scott has endured throughout this ordeal. Scott has given only one public interview, and that can be found on www.onekirk.org at the link for the Spring 2009 Journal. The pressure on Scott and the sheer ugliness of what he is facing is heartbreaking. The pain felt by lgbt Christians in the Church of Scotland is deeply distressing, for they know that it could easily be any of them going through this…and might be in the future.

I ask you to keep Scott and David, Queens Cross Church, Affirmation Scotland (the progressive and lgbt-affirming group within the Church of Scotland) and the Church of Scotland in your prayers as they go through this painful process.

Secondly, I invite you to send a word of encouragement to Scott and David. Their contact details are as follows:
The Rev'd Scott Rennie:

email: minister@brechincathedral.org

Top 120 Brand/Generic/Classification List

asleep yet? it gets worse. its part of my requirement for graduating into my externship. i have to know these drugs by heart, this is a practice of memorization. i realize its not interesting blog reading and you are excused from having anything to say or feeling any emotion over it.

Concerta/Ritalin - methylphenidate - ADHD - CNS Stimulant
Adderall - detroamphetamine- ADHD - CNS Stimulant
Aricept - donepezil - alzheimers
Ultram - tramodol - analgesic
Imdur - isosbide mononitrate - anti anginal
Xanax - alprazolam - anti anxiety - benzodiazepine
Ativan - lorzaepam - anti anxiety - benzodiazepine
Valium - diazepam - anti anxiety - benzodiazepine
Amoxil/Trimox - amoxicillin - anti biotic = aminopenicillin
Zithromax - azithromycin - anti biotic - macrolide
Keflex - cephalexin - anti biotic - cephlosporin
Flagyl - metronidazole - anti biotic
Augmentin - amoxicillin/clavulanate-anti biotic-aminopenicillin &

synergist
Bactrim/Septra - sulfamethoxazole/trimethoprim - anti biotic- sulfa & synergist
Levaquin - levofloxacin - anti biotic - quinolone
Pen VK - penicillin - anti biotic - penicillin
Vibramycin - doxycycline - anti biotic - tetracycline
Cipro - ciprofloxacin - anti biotic - quinlone
Omnicef - cefdinir - anti biotic - cephalosporin
Coumadin - warfarin - anti coagulant
Neurotin - gabapentin - anti convulsant
Klonopin - clonazepam - anti convulsant - benzo
Lamictal - lamotrigene - anti convulsant
Zoloft - sertraline - antidepressant -SSRI
Prozac/Serafem - fluoxetine - antidepressant -SSRI
Effexor - venlafaxine - antidepressant -SSRI
Celexa - citalopram - antidrpressant -SSRI
Wellbutrin - bupropion - antidepressant
Paxil - paroxetine - antidepressant -SSRI
Elavil - amitriptyline - antidepressant -tricyclic
Lexapro - escitalopram - antidepressant -SSRI
Desyrel - trazodone - antidepressant
Cymbalta - duloxetine - antidepressant -SSRI
Glucophage - metformin - antidiabetic
Glucotrol - glipizide - antidiabetic -2nd gen sulfonylureal
Micronase - glyburide - antidiabetic -2nd gen sulfonylureal
Actos - piogilitazone - antidiabetic -insulin receptor enhancer
Avandia -rosiglitazone - antidiabetic -insulin receptor enhancer
Amaryl -glimepiride - antidiabetic -2nd gen sulfonylureal
Lantus -insuline gargine - antidiabetic
Diflucan - fluconazole - antifungal
Zyloprim - allpurinol - antigout
Allegra - fexofenadine - antihistamine - 2nd generation
Zyrtec - cetirizine - antihistamine - 2nd generation
Clarinex - desloratadine - antihistamine - 2nd generation
Vistaril - hydroxyzine pamoate - antihistamine -1st generation
Atarax - hydroxyzine HCL - antihistamine - 1st generation
Phenergan - promethazine - antihistamine - 1st generation
Tricor - fenofibrate -antihyperlipidemic - fibrate
Lipitor - avorstatin -antihyperlipidemic - statin
Zocor - simvastatin -antihyperlipidemic - statin
Pravachol - pravastatin -antihyperlipidemic - statin
Crestor - rosuvastatin -antihyperlipidemic - statin
Zetia - ezetimbe -antihyperlipidemic - cholesterol blocker
Vytorin - ezetimbe/simvastatin -AHLD - CB and statin
Tenormin - atenalol - antihypertensive - beta blocker
Zestril - lisinopril - antihypertensive - ACE
Microzide - hydrocholthiazide - antihypertensive - diruetic
Lasix - furosimide - antihypertensive - diuretic
Norvasc - amlopdpine - antihypertensive - CCB
Lopressor - metroprolol - antihypertensive - BB
Dyazide/Maxzide - hydrocholothiazide/triamterene -AHT - diurectic mixed
Vasotec - enalapril - antihypertenisive - ACE
Acurpril - quinapril - antihypertensive -ACE
Altace - ramipril - antihypertensive - ACE
Diovan - valsarten - antihypertensive -angiotensin receptor blocker
Lotrel - lorsartan/benazepril -antihypertensive - CCB ACE
Procardia - nifedipine - antihypertensive -CCB
Catapres - clonidine - antihypertensive
Cozaar - losarten - antihypertensive -angiotensin receptor blocker
Lotensin - benazepril - antihypertensive ACE
Aldactone - spironolactone - antihypertensive -potassium sparing diuretic
Avapro - irbesartan - antihypertensive -angiotensin receptor blocker
Hyzaar - losartan/HCTZ - antihypertensive -ARB and diuretic
Deltasone - predinsone -antiinflammatory -corticosteroid
Flonase - fluticasone -anti inflammatory - corticosteroid
Medrol - methylprednisolone antiinflammatory - cort
Nasonex - mometasone - antiinflammatory - cort
Singular - montelukast - antiinflammatory - leukotriene receptor blocker
Plavix - clopidogrel - anti platlet
Risperdol - riperidone - anti psychotic -atypical
Zyprexa - olanzapine - anti psychotic -atypical
Seroquel - quetiapine - anti psychotic -atypical
Valtrex - valcyclovir - anti viral
Flomax - tamsulosin - BPH -alpha blocker
Proventil - albuterol - bronhodilator -beta 2 agonist
Advair - fluticasone/salmeterol -bronchodilator -beta 2 agonist steroid
Lanoxin - digoxin - CHF -cardiac glycoside
Coreg - carvedilol - CHF -BB
Viagra - sildenifil - ED
Prevacid - lansoprazole - GERD -Proton Pump Inhibitor
Nexium - esomeprazole -GERD -PPI
Zantac - ranitidine - GERD -H2 receptor blocker
Protonix - pantoprazole - GERD -PPI
Prilosec - omeprazole - GERD -PPI
Aciphex - rabeprazole - GERD -PPI
Xalantan - lantanoprost - glaucoma -Prostaglandin analog
Premarin - conjugated estrogen -HRT -
Ogen - estropipate -HRT - synthetic hormone
Ambien - zolpidem - hypnotic
Restoril - temazepam - hypnotic -benzo
lunesta - exzopiclone -hypnotic
Flexeril - cyclobenzaprine -muscle relaxer
Soma - carisoprodol -muscle relaxer
Lortab - hydrocodone/APAP - narcotic analgesic
Davocet N - propoxyphene/APAP - narcotic analgesic
Tylenol/Codeine - APAP/codeine - narcotic analgesic
Percocet - oxycodone/APAP - narcotic analgesic
Oxycontin - oxycodone - narcotic analgesic
Motrin/Advil - ibuprofen - NSAID
Naprosyn - naproxen - NSAID
Celebrex - celeoxib - NSAID -cox 2 inhibitor
Ortho Tricyclen -norgestimate/ethinyl estradiol - contraceptive
Yasim - ethinyl estradiol/drospirenone - contracetive
Fosamax - alendronate -osteroporosis -estrogen receptor modulator
Evista - raloxifene -osteoprorosis
Actonal - risedronate -osteoporosis
Slow K - potassium chloride -potassium replacement
Synthroid - levothyroxine - thyroid replacement
Detrol - tolterodine - urinary frequency

Ogen -

~~~~~~~~~~~The Passage~~~~~~~~~~

When we first meet our daughters they smell of baby powder. We pull them close, close our eyes and breathe in their smell until we are drunk with motherhood, only to find upon opening our eyes that they smell of lip stick and perfume.

In the blink of an eye, one beat of a heart, years have passed and they are gone.

~nina~

Its her first prom. I am internally chanting:

"i couldn't change her behavior but i could change her environment"

i am so proud at how beautiful she is becoming... i am so sad at how much i am missing. Children will tear your heart from your chest, decisions no matter how right will haunt me until my last breath.

Happy Prom Coley
I'll love you forever, I'll love you for always, forever and ever, my baby you'll be.

The Gardening Goings On With the Inas

A while back I introduced my brainchild in the form of bright orange spray paint on my lawn in hopes that the grass removal fairies would come one enchanted evening and handle it. Although it didn't happen exactly that way, thinking back, grass was removed and two card carrying fairies DID actually swoop in and do it. Although, it was hardly enchanted... it was soggy, windy and cold. Fairies are tough.

Now before you start, yes, its only have done. There was lighting in the air. Fairies holding metal gardening tools are just taunting God. We will finish once the skies clear. The part that is finished has been planted with orange poppies (gina's favorite color) and soon white cosmos. It should be stunning.



The Crabapple is stunning this year. We have draped it with Christmas lights that Emma can see out her window at night. It makes it look like a little fairy tree. (no pun intended this time)


Flowering Pear trees against a painfully beautiful blue sky.

This is Lilly. She is our lilac. Her blooms are past their prime but who among us will cast the first stone?



This is my blank canvas. Watch closely during the season. It won't look like crap forever.