The June Moon and more musing about Pandora

I just stood outside on my back patio and stared up at that beautiful, far away circle. I always smile and yet feel a desperate but blunted pain as each year goes by. I swear to you it smiles back with the same melancholy emotion. "We" know what we shared so many years ago.

i see the moon and the moon sees me,
the moon sees someone that i'd like to see.
god bless the moon,
god bless me,
god bless the someone that i liked to see.

I ran away from home when the bottom fell out of my soul in 2006. I ran to the shore with my best friend Becky. We both had wounds we needed to lick. She is my soul mate, not my lover, but the dearest friend God/Goddess/Universal Power/Our Power We Access Within Our Own Selves or the collective power of the innate goodness in mankind, the kind Anne Frank believed in until the moment she died. I was given that. I don't know if I deserve it but I won't rock the boat. She is a part of my genetic makeup. I will never give her up... and confidently I can say, she will never give me up. After all, she promised to play the bagpipes, Amazing Grace, at my grave side burial. I hope she is still practicing.... no, actually I don't. It would be better if she was off key to the point that everyone, including her started laughing.... and all just sang in unison, off key, but in unison, that beautiful song. Perhaps someone who understands my love of dance as prayer will step up the beat, clap and dance and circle with joy under the sun. (unless its 30 below and everyone is grumpy) maybe they can meet somewhere else and do it.... but someone has GOT to do it. The Highland Fling would also be fun as hell to teach everyone at the grave site. Becky taught me to do it in the receiving area of Walmart when she was 19 and I was in my 30's. I would love to be looking down at everyone dancing like lunatics around my grave. After all, I have been doing that for everyone else (well not over their graves but their performances) for years here in Boise and enjoying myself. Ya'll owe me!!! I will put enough in my Will to pay for a pint for everyone before ya'll begin. 3 if its 30 below.

But where was I going with this? Pandora.... she is still laying across my bed. As I had stated, it can be as simple as "how are you today?" that can unleash something you weren't quite ready for. In 2006, the box was opened by someone else because I was too afraid of what I knew lay inside for me if the truth came out. My (then) husband, confronted me when I came back from the shore. Asked me to come up stairs, sat me down and said, "I know you are a lesbian."

Now there is a moment. It goes in slow motion... almost as if you are dying and seeing your life past before you. There is a battle. I learned that although Bill never should have said, "I did not have sex with that woman!" I can't say that I wasn't tempted to backtrack and..... try to return to the facade with promises of all sorts and bargaining for forgiveness.... it all flashed in a second. But there was this small door at the end of all the turmoil that I knew I could walk out of with my truth and get it over with. "just say YES I AM." The turbulence of a secret would be over in an instant. Just tell the truth. Don't lie because I have learned a few things in my life. One is never park at the Flying M and then go some place else, and never lie over a question someone is asking you because 99.9% of the time, they all ready know the answer and they are not really seeking your truth but your integrity.

Pandora's box was opened this time by a desperate husband trying to find answers to why his wife was becoming a stranger. Had the tables been turned. I would have peeked in side for the answer too. He will never forgive me for not being brave enough just to say it before he found it. But I pray one day he will find some respect for me in the fact that, when confronted, I told the truth.

Happy PRIDE