It's That Time Again!

It is our chance to enjoy some independent films

Mainer and I have 4 perhaps 5 films we have chosen. We would see more but we are realists. Chances of us choosing to remain sequestered in my feather bed instead are high. Here are our choices:

Cartoneros

Idaho Shorts

Postcards From Tora Bora

Mojave Phonebooth

And if we can we want to go the the closing night film:

Ten Canoes

My son is taking his lady love to two:

Stalking Santa

Your Mommy Kills Animals

I need to get started popping popcorn!

This just in...

RSVP Vacations and Olivia Cruises pull out of all Iranian endeavors. When contacted spokespersons for both companies sited "Lack of homos".

On a similar note: Fred Phelps and the entire mailing list of Focus on the Family have been seen buying vacation homes. Don't let the door hit ya....

ps...

and just in case its not the universe exacting its dues... to cover my all my bases I also cut 6 inches from my hair. So far I still feel the same only with shorter hair.

This time its not the furniture

this time I am redoing my closet...

Its 2:00am. I sit finished and waiting in vain for a sleeping pill to kick in. Earlier in order to quell another panic attack I decided that perhaps the reason I was so unhappy is because I have not been giving back to the universe. I quickly began a mental review of what I have that someone else might need more than me. I decided the answer to this was in my closet. Hence the closet cleaning caper began.

3 hours later I am looking at a pile of clothing as tall as a toddler. Good things I will never be thin enough and/or hetero enough to wear again. I will lay them at the feet of the universe and beg for forgiveness and pray for relief.

Almost perfect timing...

I was just talking about the macabre delight I take in disaster themes.

See the trailer here:

01/18/08

Its Half-Nekked Thursday!!!

If you don't believe me go here: What is it with Dykes and Guitars?



Okay so it looks like this week she is all about Pigs with Wings . But usually she is half-nekked I promise! This is my friend Vic. I have reading her for a long time. She is bright, talented, funny, sexy and on Thursday she is delightfully Half-Nekked! I have asked her if I could play with her and she said yes. ( hummm, that sounded a bit tawdry, sorry Vic!)


So without further ado...




Taken in a airplane bathroom. No, no. I was alone and half-nekked so I am not a member of the mile high club...yet. It was also my very first time in an airplane facility. Btw, this was taken from my cell phone and it's blurry. Ever try to get half-nekked, prop up said half-nekkedness during turbulance? Humm, come to think of it maybe some of you have.



Cheers!

Wanna Come Back to My Place to See My Etchings?

Video and pictures I took of my girls while on vacation in Maine. The beautiful woman you see in her first supporting role is Mainer. Indulge me? (please excuse my finger which appears in its own supporting role. its a new camera... its so small my fingers don't know what to do with themselves)

Wolves Land

Elena is an amazingly interesting person. Someone I wish I knew in every day life.


http://www.kiddofspeed.com/default.htm



I hope you find this site as amazing as I do. I found it a long time ago but forgot about it. Today Mainer brought it to my attention. We like the same things. She wasn't at all surprised that I had already been there.

It appeals to my sense of despair and mystery. Of adventure and danger. I have always loved disaster movies and books. I fell in love with the book Alas, Babylon a long time ago. Perhaps I would like the bible better if it didn't have so much "hope for salvation" crap. I see every movie that comes out whether it is "good" or not. I like seeing the world torn to smithereens. Visions of the China Syndrome ran through my mind when it happened. As we know, it didn't end as disappointingly as the movie but still fell short of world annihilation. (do I need to note this is tongue-in-cheek?)

This, this IS real. This I view with quiet humility. With the "there by the grace of..." I remember when it happened. It ran an undercurrent of fear in me that before I had never known. There are perhaps a million + people who died from radiation poisoning starting that day and continuing on months, years, (still?). We, as a world community, have gone on to worry about other ways we all might off ourselves. This site is a fitting witness to our old if not forgotten enemy.

Nonetheless, I would be lying if I said I didn't "enjoy" it too. I believe Elena to be an adventurer to the nth degree. I enjoy her writing, I enjoy her photography and I enjoy her willingness to share it with us.



Cheers Elena

Rearranging the furniture...

I panicked. I realized that I just couldn't wake up in the same place, the same way, looking at the same things if I wasn't the same person. It just seemed excruciating, maybe even fatal for me to do so. It was as if the arrangement of my bedroom furniture collectively held a memory of who I was in the world. I couldn't bear to wake up there not being the person my furniture expected me to be.

Bordering on the psychotic I suppose, to think my furniture would mock me. Funny how these panic attacks happen so late at night. It was midnight when I realized I couldn't sleep in my bed in its current location. I guess during the day its just too noisy with family stuff to hear "screaming crazy woman in my head". I guess I should be thankful for the daytime noise. SCWimh is hard enough to take in small doses. So I began yanking on my heavy iron bed. I could only move it an inch or so at a time because it is so heavy (read: I am weak). But inch by inch I disassembled my identity.

Sometime around 3am I finished. I just stood there. My furniture, in shock, sat quietly. SCWimh had moved on to a different subject. And I collapsed into new sheets to begin again.

Thank you

To everyone who has commented, emailed and called me. You all are so very kind and I value you and your friendship. I am hangin' in. The switch between Cymbalta to Effexor is horrible. Between the nausea and the "mental freeze" I am feeling I am finding it hard to remember why I thought meds were a good idea. But I will slog through it...

About a month ago Mainer bought airline tickets for me and my girls to visit. We leave tomorrow and we are gone through the 11th. I wanted to let ya'll know so that my absence here was not misinterpreted. I will be being watched over by a gentle hand. My kids finally get to meet her children and perhaps enough time on the meds will pass so that when I return I can change the tone of my blog from down to anything besides that.

Be good while I am gone.

love,
nina

Hearts of Stone

Depression Daze

"oh now feel it comin' back again
like a rollin' thunder chasing the wind
forces pullin' from the center of the earth again
I can feel it..."

Lightning Crashes - Live

I can't even describe to you the feeling of being this far down. I have been here before. Postpartum depression descended on me twice. Once in '92 and once in '01. I was dealing with a voice in '92 that told me how undeserving I was to breathe. It berated me because I was too "chicken" to kill myself. Weeks of amitriptyline and walking like a zombie and I was able to drown out the voice and replace it with the normal sounds of mothering a newborn. Then in '01 there was the bridge at King Hill who began seducing me. "We" had a plan which would have culminated with me at the bottom of the gorge and the bridge returning to an inanimate object and pretending it had nothing to do with my demise. Wellbutrin and time... one day the bridge was again just a bridge and I never hit the bottom.

But here I am again. Except there is no baby to cuddle. This time its just depression. I can't blame it on the hormonal swing of child birth. So I emphatically ask WHY? I am not sure to whom I am asking this though. I refuse to blame it on my recent sexual enlightening. That stands as one of the best things that have happened to me. I don't want society pointing to my instability and drawing a line to my homosexuality. Quite frankly, I am angry. I don't want to feel like this. I want to feel like a normal person. I want to act like a normal person. I don't want to take pills that turn my mind into a whirling dervish and my emotions crashing like 20ft waves down onto the people I love the most.

I yearn for quiet. I yearn for joy. I yearn for sleep. I yearn for peace. I don't remember how any of those things feel anymore.

Dark wings descend,
beating my face.
I cower and cover my head,
as the sound fills my ears,
surrounding me,
I disappear.

nina

Coming Out at 88.....

At 88, Laguna Woods woman comes out

After spending 44 years with her life partner, a Laguna Woods woman finds the courage to go public with their relationship.

By GREG HARDESTY
The Orange County Register

All I can find to say at present is, "Thank you Ms. Barr. From the bottom of my heart."

Mi Familia pt 3

Hannah



My April Fool's baby. She is 8 now. She is all about High School Musical and girlie stuff. She is smart as a whip and very confident in public. She grew up too fast. Third grade won't know what hit 'em. The following link is to a video I made of her from her first hours of life to about 3 years old. It's the typical irritating video all parents have when they are certain their child is the most interesting, cute child in the world. I would love for you to humor me and watch it but I understand if you just can't do it.

http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=7658043480767643672&pr=goog-sl

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