The Ripple Effect
About a month ago (geez, its only been a month?) it was revealed to me that my 14 year old has been doing drugs. Since then she has admitted to smoking pot on a regular basis, amphedimines (sp), huffing, drinking... it came to a head the night I realized that several of my sleeping pills were missing. I sat and counted them 100 times trying to be sure I wasn't making a mistake. I wasn't.
I knew I had to remove her from her social situation. I was suddenly faced with two clear choices. Resident teen treatment facility or sending her to live with her father. I chose the latter. It happened so fast. School was starting in Utah. Custody papers, POA papers, notary stamps, plane tickets and tears and begging from her. "Don't make me go mom, I promise I will be good." "You can trust me." "I will miss you." Her best was at the airport where she turned to me and said, "Mom this is your last chance not to send me away...we can just get out of line and go home...mom please dont make me leave, dont send me away, I will be good." Jesus God. I held her and buried my face in her neck. She smelled so good. Her hair was so soft. I suddenly couldn't remember the last time that I had hugged her. I was flooded with guilt and self pity. I then looked her in the eye, pretended to be all about being a grown up and put her on the plane with an "I love you" and a smile. I promptly sat down in a chair and sobbed uncontrollably until the plane left the runway. My baby whom I have looked after everyday of her life for 14 years (which I suppose is debatable as to *how well* I did so given her situation) no longer lives with me. She is lucky though, living where she is, she is surrounded by both a mother, a father, siblings close to her age, grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins.... surrounded by people who love her.
Today we took kid 7yo and kid 4yo to the state fair. Kid 7 has taken to wearing this cute pink baseball type hat around. She wore it today. As we were making our way back to the car after our day there she asked who was carrying her hat. We all looked down at our hands and realized that no one had it. She began to cry. Not just a little disappointed cry mind you. This was a sob. As we got in the car it continued to escalate. She began chanting (something I cannot tolerate well in kids) "It was my favorite hat" "I want it back" "I will never see it again" over and over, louder and less understandable until she was in hysterics. Both my husband and I got very angry with her. I don't accept "I can't stop it" from children very well when I know they possess enough self control to do so. It was a 25 minute ride home in which she did not stop. When we got home she was sent to her room and my husband who almost never yells did so scaring everyone in the house. After about a half hour Kid7 finally calmed down enough and my husband went in to talk to her. Come to find out, this hat had been given to her by 14 year old the week she left to live with her dad. She began to sob softly again about how much she misses her sister and that she loved wearing the hat because it was the 14 year old's hat. By this time Kid 4 had wandered in to hear the conversation. Kid 4 jumps in with "Kid 14 got sent away cuz she was bad." and my mouth just dropped open. And my heart felt as if it had been punched.
I made the best decision I could about my 14 year old. But I now have created fear in my baby that she could be bad too someday and I will send her away... and I have taken away Kid 7's big sister to whom she idolized and left her thinking she will never see her again. It all happened so fast and I wasn't feeling very strong, certainly not strong enough to have heart to hearts with the other children. But it looks as if it is way past time to do so. I wont get into the reasons I dont think but I must make it clear to them that this family doesn't discard you. When I think ahead to the upcoming divorce I just shake my head.
I threw a huge stone into the pond. I knew it would make a splash. But I forgot about how it ripples outward affecting even the distant shoreline where perhaps the initial splash wasn't even seen. It is affecting everything in its wake.
I knew I had to remove her from her social situation. I was suddenly faced with two clear choices. Resident teen treatment facility or sending her to live with her father. I chose the latter. It happened so fast. School was starting in Utah. Custody papers, POA papers, notary stamps, plane tickets and tears and begging from her. "Don't make me go mom, I promise I will be good." "You can trust me." "I will miss you." Her best was at the airport where she turned to me and said, "Mom this is your last chance not to send me away...we can just get out of line and go home...mom please dont make me leave, dont send me away, I will be good." Jesus God. I held her and buried my face in her neck. She smelled so good. Her hair was so soft. I suddenly couldn't remember the last time that I had hugged her. I was flooded with guilt and self pity. I then looked her in the eye, pretended to be all about being a grown up and put her on the plane with an "I love you" and a smile. I promptly sat down in a chair and sobbed uncontrollably until the plane left the runway. My baby whom I have looked after everyday of her life for 14 years (which I suppose is debatable as to *how well* I did so given her situation) no longer lives with me. She is lucky though, living where she is, she is surrounded by both a mother, a father, siblings close to her age, grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins.... surrounded by people who love her.
Today we took kid 7yo and kid 4yo to the state fair. Kid 7 has taken to wearing this cute pink baseball type hat around. She wore it today. As we were making our way back to the car after our day there she asked who was carrying her hat. We all looked down at our hands and realized that no one had it. She began to cry. Not just a little disappointed cry mind you. This was a sob. As we got in the car it continued to escalate. She began chanting (something I cannot tolerate well in kids) "It was my favorite hat" "I want it back" "I will never see it again" over and over, louder and less understandable until she was in hysterics. Both my husband and I got very angry with her. I don't accept "I can't stop it" from children very well when I know they possess enough self control to do so. It was a 25 minute ride home in which she did not stop. When we got home she was sent to her room and my husband who almost never yells did so scaring everyone in the house. After about a half hour Kid7 finally calmed down enough and my husband went in to talk to her. Come to find out, this hat had been given to her by 14 year old the week she left to live with her dad. She began to sob softly again about how much she misses her sister and that she loved wearing the hat because it was the 14 year old's hat. By this time Kid 4 had wandered in to hear the conversation. Kid 4 jumps in with "Kid 14 got sent away cuz she was bad." and my mouth just dropped open. And my heart felt as if it had been punched.
I made the best decision I could about my 14 year old. But I now have created fear in my baby that she could be bad too someday and I will send her away... and I have taken away Kid 7's big sister to whom she idolized and left her thinking she will never see her again. It all happened so fast and I wasn't feeling very strong, certainly not strong enough to have heart to hearts with the other children. But it looks as if it is way past time to do so. I wont get into the reasons I dont think but I must make it clear to them that this family doesn't discard you. When I think ahead to the upcoming divorce I just shake my head.
I threw a huge stone into the pond. I knew it would make a splash. But I forgot about how it ripples outward affecting even the distant shoreline where perhaps the initial splash wasn't even seen. It is affecting everything in its wake.
posted by nina michelle at 5:10 PM
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