Frickin Frack Panic Attack

With as much joy as self discovery can bring, I am frequently afflicted with moments of utter despair and hopelessness. Panic so thick I can taste it. I can be doing something simple as watching my children play when I am beset with the thought that these children will never play again as happily once "they know" I begin to feel the weight of my responsibility to them. Will they hate me for not loving their father the way I had promised? Will they feel betrayed? Lose trust in me? Will they worry I will change my mind about loving them? It grows so big that I swear I will die from the pressure in creates inside my head. In my darkest moments I secretly hope that I do.

I have 4 children. They span the ages. High school, middle, elementary and pre school. Its anybodies guess as to which one will have the hardest time. I also have the added worry of a second father. My two older kids dad from my first marriage. There is so much to lose. Its a balancing act I play out in my brain. How long can I live in the wife/mother role buying my children more time in a life normalcy (the life they know now) before I die inside? Or am I being selfish in thinking that my happiness is even a consideration? These children are here because I wanted them. Have I lost my turn? Did I forfeit my personal satisfaction when I gave birth? I am 44. I am not old. In fact, since coming out to myself I feel younger than I did in my 30's. What purpose could this revelation serve if I am now expected to turn my back on who I am?