In Dreams

I don't remember my dreams very often. Maybe 3 or 4 times a year. I think its the meds I am on. Each time I do remember its always something that gives me cause to pause. I woke this am around 3:30. I had "remembered".

I had decided to move in with this beautiful creature to whom I assumed I was in a long term relationship with. I can't tell you exactly what she looked like because she kept morphing. She was a cross between Shane from the L Word, Brenda from Six Feet Under and my best friend Annie.

I moved my stuff out of my husband's house into hers. Her place looked like a cross between a tree house and a missle silo. I spent all day moving in, flitting about while she was busy doing her stuff. Her best friend was there all day, looking disappointedly at me and helping my girlfriend do things that I wasn't available to do because I was busy moving my stuff. Weird.

That night we were sitting on the couch watching tv and I decided to get up to go take a shower before bed. As I got up she said, "This isn't how I know how to have a relationship! You are off doing your own stuff all the time while I stay here and watch you come and go! I need more than that." I was a bit confused because I had just gotten there that day and had been moving in. I looked at her and said, "You said you loved me..." She took my hand and said, "Yes, but what I meant to say is that I *want* to love you." and looked pitifully at me.

I remember sighing and slipping on my Mary Janes. I packed up my stuff, which had become increasingly less by that time and I left. I knew I couldn't go back to my husband's house so I turned toward a building in a far field that looked a little like Narnia and a Sam's Club and began walking.

Then I woke up and began wondering what the hell this was all about. Am I worried that I really don't know how to have a relationship with someone? Or is it telling me that I know I am too busy "moving in" to be able to have a relationship with somebody? Self involved vs incomplete self discovery. Or are they the same thing? Am I the type of person that is easy to love? Or do people have to try? Is that my responsiblity? Partially? And why in god's name if I am to dream of a partner couldn't I have put Jodie Foster in there somewhere?

Whatever this was its sticking to me like glue. I can't shake it. Its going to be a long day.

Dreams

Written by stevie nicks.

Now here you go again
You say you want your freedom
Well who am I to keep you down
Its only right that you should
Play the way you feel it
But listen carefully to the sound
Of your loneliness
Like a heartbeat..
drives you mad
In the stillness of remembering what you had
And what you lost...
And what you had...
And what you lost

Thunder only happens when its raining
Players only love you when theyre playing
Say... women...
they will come and they will go
When the rain washes you clean...
youll know

Now here I go again,
I see the crystal visions
I keep my visions to myself
Its only me
Who wants to wrap around your dreams and...
Have you any dreams youd like to sell?
Dreams of loneliness...
Like a heartbeat...
drives you mad...
In the stillness of remembering what you had...
And what you lost...
And what you had...
And what you lost

Thunder only happens when its raining
Players only love you when theyre playing
Say... women... they will come and they will go
When the rain washes you clean... youll know