14 and 3 Quarters Squares
After coming out to the first IRL person, Annie, we began our trek into places where she knew I would be more comfortable socializing. Anytime we would venture out I would first check my handy dandy Rebecca Scott is Playing Where? notebook. If she was anywhere I could get to I would request going there. Her music has soothed me, made me cry and made me dance during this last year of coming to know myself. Besides that yeah yeah yeah, I admit, she's a babe. Anywhoooo...
Annie and I had just started perfecting our invisible force field. As men would approach she would introduce herself, "Hi I am Annie and I have 7 children!" then I, bringing up the rear would hold out my hand and say "And I'm Nina... I'm a lesbian." Bless their hearts. Some would stand there not knowing what to do. Some would actively gauge the distance between themselves and the front door and then run. Some would laugh thinking we were just being funny. But we would assure them.... "No really, she does have 7 kids!" and they would get on with their evening. But one night early on it turned into something more.
They were posing as business mates from "Outof" town. The establishment was particular crowded that night and they after hearing our confession still begged to sit with us so they could see RS and have a drink. We acquiesced. ~First wrong move~ In repayment of their sitting with us they bought us a drink that turned in two. ~second wrong move~ Then it started. The "innocent" curiosity about me being gay. Trying to be polite about it ~third wrong move~ I began to try to answer questions and comments.
1. No I am not kidding.
2. Yes I am sure.
3. No my friend and I do not sleep together.
4. No I do not just need a better male partner.
5. No I wasn't aware that I looked too girlie to be gay. (wtf?)
6. Let me have one shot at you...
Now number 6 was the one that came fast and was naively unexpected. In one fluid motion the man had moved his chair closer to me and slid his hand almost all the way up my skirt. For a moment or more I let this fuck do it. I don't know why really. I didn't want him to, I told him I wasn't interested but he did it anyway. And I was too afraid to not allow him to. When I did push him away I was quickly overcome with anger and became sick to my stomach. I got up and walked around for a few minutes but it didn't go away. I went into the bathroom but it was busy. I stood there with my back to the wall. Breathing as deep as I could, trying to calm down. It wasn't just the man in the bar. It was everything. Secrets. My lack of control of who I was. My hesitation to refuse advances from that (any) man into my space. I began crying. Several kind women that night put their arms around me trying to console me. But it wouldn't stop.
Annie found me almost an hour later still crying. Finally when the bathroom cleared out I got violently ill. I only had two drinks in me. There wasn't much to lose. But my body didn't care. I remember sitting on the bathroom floor counting the floor tiles. I don't know why I was counting the bathroom tiles. Annie lifted my head and said, "You know I don't think your body is going to allow you to keep living a lie."
I look back at that experience as a pivot point. I believe that my body and my mind all caught up with each other that night. For a lifetime, I have hated being touched by men. For a lifetime I have allowed them to touch me anyway because that was what women did. Something inside me said no that night. It had been telling me no for a long time but I wouldn't listen so it revolted. It got my attention anyway it knew how. It brought me to my knees, literally.
These days Annie and I think back fondly of the experience. We call it "our" bathroom. Yes we have bonded. It remembers me. Each time I go (literally) I count the tiles on the bathroom floor. 14 and 3/4 squares. You have to add one end and the other to get the 3/4's. I still don't know why I count them. Maybe so I won't forget that night and the woman I was before or the woman I became after.
Annie and I had just started perfecting our invisible force field. As men would approach she would introduce herself, "Hi I am Annie and I have 7 children!" then I, bringing up the rear would hold out my hand and say "And I'm Nina... I'm a lesbian." Bless their hearts. Some would stand there not knowing what to do. Some would actively gauge the distance between themselves and the front door and then run. Some would laugh thinking we were just being funny. But we would assure them.... "No really, she does have 7 kids!" and they would get on with their evening. But one night early on it turned into something more.
They were posing as business mates from "Outof" town. The establishment was particular crowded that night and they after hearing our confession still begged to sit with us so they could see RS and have a drink. We acquiesced. ~First wrong move~ In repayment of their sitting with us they bought us a drink that turned in two. ~second wrong move~ Then it started. The "innocent" curiosity about me being gay. Trying to be polite about it ~third wrong move~ I began to try to answer questions and comments.
1. No I am not kidding.
2. Yes I am sure.
3. No my friend and I do not sleep together.
4. No I do not just need a better male partner.
5. No I wasn't aware that I looked too girlie to be gay. (wtf?)
6. Let me have one shot at you...
Now number 6 was the one that came fast and was naively unexpected. In one fluid motion the man had moved his chair closer to me and slid his hand almost all the way up my skirt. For a moment or more I let this fuck do it. I don't know why really. I didn't want him to, I told him I wasn't interested but he did it anyway. And I was too afraid to not allow him to. When I did push him away I was quickly overcome with anger and became sick to my stomach. I got up and walked around for a few minutes but it didn't go away. I went into the bathroom but it was busy. I stood there with my back to the wall. Breathing as deep as I could, trying to calm down. It wasn't just the man in the bar. It was everything. Secrets. My lack of control of who I was. My hesitation to refuse advances from that (any) man into my space. I began crying. Several kind women that night put their arms around me trying to console me. But it wouldn't stop.
Annie found me almost an hour later still crying. Finally when the bathroom cleared out I got violently ill. I only had two drinks in me. There wasn't much to lose. But my body didn't care. I remember sitting on the bathroom floor counting the floor tiles. I don't know why I was counting the bathroom tiles. Annie lifted my head and said, "You know I don't think your body is going to allow you to keep living a lie."
I look back at that experience as a pivot point. I believe that my body and my mind all caught up with each other that night. For a lifetime, I have hated being touched by men. For a lifetime I have allowed them to touch me anyway because that was what women did. Something inside me said no that night. It had been telling me no for a long time but I wouldn't listen so it revolted. It got my attention anyway it knew how. It brought me to my knees, literally.
These days Annie and I think back fondly of the experience. We call it "our" bathroom. Yes we have bonded. It remembers me. Each time I go (literally) I count the tiles on the bathroom floor. 14 and 3/4 squares. You have to add one end and the other to get the 3/4's. I still don't know why I count them. Maybe so I won't forget that night and the woman I was before or the woman I became after.
posted by nina michelle at 6:13 AM
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