Birthdays

16 years ago she came into the world via C-section. I had no idea she would be a girl and it surprised the heck out of me. She was blue and had a collasped lung. I got a glimpse of her before they rushed her into the NICU. I laid there feeling the tugging a pulling of the dr sewing me back up and worried that I might never see her alive again. When I was finally able to be rolled into the NICU to see her my terror increased as I passed by baby after baby whose parents were raw with exhaustion and worry as they stood by helpless over their child watching them fight for life. Nicole was at the back of the room. They rolled me up to her and there she was. Pink, fat (9 lbs), a little red bow stuck to her head, (my babies never had hair), and her arms stretched out above her head sound asleep like a cat in the sunshine. I was relieved but in the back of my mind I was a little embarrassed to have such a beautiful, healthy baby there for everyone to see. She was coming back to the room with me. I was blessed and would have done anything I could to have been able to give the same experience to all those other parents. I buried my face in her little folds of fat and closed my eyes as we left.

16 years has brought a lot of changes in her life. I hope when she is 30 and she adds it all up she will find more good than bad. More love than anger, more understanding than injustice. I know its not a parents job to be popular with their children but there is a part of me that hopes that she will love me even though I wasn't the parent she hoped I would have been.

and then there is another little birthday which seems silly and embarrassingly self-indulgent in comparison. I started my blog 2 years ago today. So happy birthday CtF.