Pain

Pain is a thief. It has stolen everything from me. Slowly. First my hands hurt. Fingers didn't like me use them. Then my elbows start burning and aching. My knees began to yell at me anytime I tried to sit down. And then if I sat too long they yelled at me for trying to move again. My muscles feel like I have over used them.



I quit wanting to go out dancing because my knees hurt. I have become too tired to go grocery shopping. I am exhausted. I don't play with my children. I watch out the window.



The dr. has me on 9 Neurontin a day. It leaves me fading in and out. I can't drive. I am having double vision. It was suggested that I wear a eye patch to stop the double vision. It worked but I'll tell ya, it is clear that I am never gonna be a pirate.





There has been blood work, x-rays and an MRI. But no diagnosis. I spent an hour crying in my dr.s office about the 3 months of pain I have been in. She sent me home with meds that "might work in 2 to 3 weeks and a referral for physical therapy. But I want to know what's wrong with me. I want a NAME. I need a diagnosis. Is that so wrong? It has taken so much from me. I deserve to know it's name. When people ask me what's wrong I want to be able to tell them. I am tired of saying "I don't know". I am angry at my body. I am angry at my dr. I am just angry.

When I sleep now I dream of me running. Dancing with my arms flailing around and my head back looking at the sky. I dream of making love. Rolling around in active passionate sex. I wake to a body that screams at me when I first move from my pillow. I wonder everyday, where did I go?